A Note from Dassie’s Desk: The Anatomy of Self Regulation
Purim is always a joyous and fun holiday for kids and adults alike! It’s only as the day winds down that we start seeing kids with sugar highs acting out over just about anything and everything. They don’t like their costumes anymore… they didn’t get enough mishloach manot… their face paint is itchy, and they want it washed off NOW… etc. The crying and tantrums have reached an all-time high, and we (after a few L’Chaims) are not handling this very well!
Maybe if we understood this a little better, we’d be more equipped to handle it. Everyone talks about self-regulation and helping children be more regulated… but let’s back up—let’s look into a child’s brain and see what’s going on in there when they have a big emotional reaction.
At the center of the brain is a small but powerful part called the “amygdala.” This is where emotions are processed. The amygdala detects danger, assigns emotional significance to situations, and triggers a strong emotional reaction. In short, it’s the brain’s emotional alarm system.
When children experience big emotions—crying, yelling, or shutting down—their amygdala is in OVERDRIVE! We can pinpoint this: “Her amygdala is in overdrive!” (Say this to yourself when the child is throwing a fit.) Then ask yourself, “How can I help her amygdala recognize that she is safe so it can calm down?” Reframing the situation this way helps you look at it objectively, avoiding judgment, frustration, and confusion—by regulating your own amygdala. Instead of reacting, you understand that her amygdala is simply doing its job by signaling an alarm in response to what it perceives as a threat.
Okay, now what?
Now we have to figure out how to make her feel safe so she no longer perceives a “threat.” This is where the prefrontal cortex comes into play. The prefrontal cortex helps bring logic and reasoning to the amygdala, thereby calming it down. The challenge for children is that while their amygdala is fully developed at birth, their prefrontal cortex is still growing. The more a child strengthens the connection between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala, the more they can process emotions logically and respond in a calmer, more thoughtful way.
Self-regulation, in these terms, means connecting the amygdala to the prefrontal cortex. The stronger this connection becomes, the more self-regulated the child will be.
How to connect emotions to logic—the language of the amygdala:
1.) If you can name it, you can tame it! Identifying the emotion brings innate awareness.
2.) Validate the emotion and then ask a question.
“You seem really angry that your paper ripped. What can we do about it? Would you like some tape or a new paper?”
“You seem scared. Do you want me to hold your hand while you try that?”
This strategy helps bridge emotions and logic, guiding the child toward problem-solving.
3.) Deep breathing—oxygen is the key! When we’re stressed, our breathing becomes shallow, reducing oxygen flow to the brain. Deep breathing brings oxygen to the prefrontal cortex, allowing for better logical thinking—exactly what’s needed in moments of distress.
So if you see a child in fight-or-flight mode—name it. Then use the three steps above to help them calm down successfully! Good luck, and remember: practice makes perfect, for both you and your child!
